I wish I could say you go through the stages in order, but you don’t. They hit you in different ways.
My first stage was SHOCK & DENIAL. Yes mama was sick; no I didn’t think she would die. We had been through this a couple of times, she goes in a coma and she comes out. This time she wasn’t coming out and they didn’t know why.
I honestly wanted her to wake up so we could stop all this pain and tears. My little soul couldn’t take another day at the hospital wonder what was going on with my mother.
The last time I saw her, she was being her feisty self trying to pull the mask off of her face. I thought she’s in there fighting as usual, she’ll come out. When my sister called to tell me she died, I already knew. Mama spoke to me in my dreams, saying her brother would be OK. When I woke up, I thought what was that all about? Then my daughter stepped in my room and said my sister was on the phone. My heart dropped because I knew it was the call I’d been dreading.
I moved to the second stage PAIN & GUILT and I think I’m still in there because it still hurts to think about her or Mae. I’ve never experienced this type of pain. I wanted it to go away, but its still lingering in my heart. My younger sister said it perfect, "I feel like some one punched a hole in my heart."
I’m telling you every time I got in the car, I cried. I couldn’t figure out why I cried in the car. Was it because I was alone and I could cried with no one looking at me? No it was because I usually talked to my mother during my drives home. We’d catch up on the day and share family news. Who would I do that with now? My pain was hard.
I'm slolwy moving to DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS stage. I think this will be the hardest for me, because I’ve never experienced depression and at first I didn’t know how to handle it, which is why I started googling. I didn’t like feeling like this and wanted to know how to snap out of it.
Wrong words for someone who is grieving, they can’t snap out of it. They have to flow through the stages at their own pace. However they have to recognize or have a love one recognize, when they have slipped too deep and maybe need help from someone.
Know that it is OK to seek therapy because sometimes you need to let it all out. I decided to let it all out by writing about it. My hope is that it helps me and it helps you or someone you love who is experiencing this.